So I've been slacking, clearly! My last post was over 6 months ago and I don't really have a good excuse other than it is my job to write on a daily basis, so I guess when I have down time I don't really feel like "working". Life has changed significantly in the time I've taken my extended hiatus and I think its time I take this blogging business seriously. At least I need some sort of catharthis to vent lifes trials and tribulations to someone other than my 4 month old puppy, Baxter. (Yes, he is named after the dog in Anchorman, in case you were wondering, that's him at 6 weeks being held by mom, she helped me pick him out)
Here's the down and dirty of life in the past few months: (I'll skip Winter - nothing happened, it was cold, snowy and long - can you tell I'm not a fan of winter?)
Recently my family has had some serious challenges to face. And those overused sayings "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and "God never gives you more than you can handle," have been uttered to me more times than I'd like to think about. My mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 inoperable cancer. Her type of cancer is rare, called GIST for short, which stands for Gastro Intestinal Stromal Tumor - fancy talk for saying she has a cancerous tumor embedded in her stomach muscle the size of a baseball. Shes terminal. She was given her "sentence" as I call it - you know, the life expectancy BS the doctors so hopelessly hand out like lollipops to the throngs of cases they see on a daily basis. I call them cases because thats how the doctors view them - at least oncologists. My mom is not a person when she walks thru those doors - she has patient #3498654 and its a good day if he remembers she prefers to be called Tami vs. Tamara, as is noted in her chart. Really, I'm sure this guy is great at what he does, but I was fortunate enough to be with her during one of her appointments where she was lucky to have 4 minutes of his undividided attention, no seriously, I timed it!
Venting aside, my mom amazes me. If you know me, you know my mom and I have the type of relationship that is almost to the point of being too close to where we just drive eachother nuts. I'm sure I annoy her as much as she stresses me out, so its a fair trade. So back to how she amazes me...I'd be willing to bet that the past year of her life has been one of the hardest she's ever lived and she keeps fighting and keeps the faith (something with which I am struggling greatly right now) and is ever the optimist. Little background - my step-dad had his leg amputated in an emergency situation last April and we didn't know if he would make it. Thankfully, he has fully recovered and is adjusting well to life with a prosthetic. So this woman, went from having a full-time job, to quitting her job to be by her husbands bedside, and not knowing if he would wake up, to then taking on the role of full-time caretaker when he came home from the hospital. Through humor and humility they have both gotten through this past year amazingly well.
With Dan in the clear health wise, everyone was ready to breath a sigh of relief and be thankful. Then the "c" word reared it's ugly head in February. I believe I found out by a phone call "Happy Birthday, baby girl. I'm sorry to tell you this on your birthday, but we got the results back and its malignant. I have cancer." - you never really know how you are going to react to something like that until it happens. Its an ugly word, that does uglier things to its victims. You hear it all the time on the news, in magazines, papers, in daily interactions with people - but I'd never really felt the impact of that word until that day.
As time went on, we learned more - and are continuing to learn more daily. GIST is not a common cancer and is not responsive to chemo or radiation, so shes the participant of a clinical trial for a drug called Gleevec. She won't lose her hair, which she was happy about, but it makes her nauseous, tired and bloated. But the bottom line is it is intended to not only slow the spreading of the cancer, but to IMPROVE the quality of her life, not just prolong it. Could be worse, right!? My job was gracious enough to allow me to take a temporary leave of absence to allow me to spend time back in Oregon for a while.
I spent an entire month in Oregon from March to the beginning of April. It was the first time I had spent 4 uninterupted weeks in Oregon since my 8 month "return" from NJ from Sept 2004 - April 2005. I learned that while I love Oregon, and will always be proud to claim loyalty to my tree hugging roots (pun intended) its not home for me anymore. I was visiting, I was anxious for my house, my bed, my car and my boyfriend. For the first time in my life I was homesick for New Jersey and finally came to terms with the fact that Oregon is just not for me right now. Maybe someday, or maybe never. Only time will tell! In those 4 weeks I got to spend some great time with my mom. We took pictures, videos, laughed, cried, argued - but just soaked it all in.
Here's the down and dirty of life in the past few months: (I'll skip Winter - nothing happened, it was cold, snowy and long - can you tell I'm not a fan of winter?)
Recently my family has had some serious challenges to face. And those overused sayings "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," and "God never gives you more than you can handle," have been uttered to me more times than I'd like to think about. My mom has been diagnosed with Stage 4 inoperable cancer. Her type of cancer is rare, called GIST for short, which stands for Gastro Intestinal Stromal Tumor - fancy talk for saying she has a cancerous tumor embedded in her stomach muscle the size of a baseball. Shes terminal. She was given her "sentence" as I call it - you know, the life expectancy BS the doctors so hopelessly hand out like lollipops to the throngs of cases they see on a daily basis. I call them cases because thats how the doctors view them - at least oncologists. My mom is not a person when she walks thru those doors - she has patient #3498654 and its a good day if he remembers she prefers to be called Tami vs. Tamara, as is noted in her chart. Really, I'm sure this guy is great at what he does, but I was fortunate enough to be with her during one of her appointments where she was lucky to have 4 minutes of his undividided attention, no seriously, I timed it!
Venting aside, my mom amazes me. If you know me, you know my mom and I have the type of relationship that is almost to the point of being too close to where we just drive eachother nuts. I'm sure I annoy her as much as she stresses me out, so its a fair trade. So back to how she amazes me...I'd be willing to bet that the past year of her life has been one of the hardest she's ever lived and she keeps fighting and keeps the faith (something with which I am struggling greatly right now) and is ever the optimist. Little background - my step-dad had his leg amputated in an emergency situation last April and we didn't know if he would make it. Thankfully, he has fully recovered and is adjusting well to life with a prosthetic. So this woman, went from having a full-time job, to quitting her job to be by her husbands bedside, and not knowing if he would wake up, to then taking on the role of full-time caretaker when he came home from the hospital. Through humor and humility they have both gotten through this past year amazingly well.
With Dan in the clear health wise, everyone was ready to breath a sigh of relief and be thankful. Then the "c" word reared it's ugly head in February. I believe I found out by a phone call "Happy Birthday, baby girl. I'm sorry to tell you this on your birthday, but we got the results back and its malignant. I have cancer." - you never really know how you are going to react to something like that until it happens. Its an ugly word, that does uglier things to its victims. You hear it all the time on the news, in magazines, papers, in daily interactions with people - but I'd never really felt the impact of that word until that day.
As time went on, we learned more - and are continuing to learn more daily. GIST is not a common cancer and is not responsive to chemo or radiation, so shes the participant of a clinical trial for a drug called Gleevec. She won't lose her hair, which she was happy about, but it makes her nauseous, tired and bloated. But the bottom line is it is intended to not only slow the spreading of the cancer, but to IMPROVE the quality of her life, not just prolong it. Could be worse, right!? My job was gracious enough to allow me to take a temporary leave of absence to allow me to spend time back in Oregon for a while.
I spent an entire month in Oregon from March to the beginning of April. It was the first time I had spent 4 uninterupted weeks in Oregon since my 8 month "return" from NJ from Sept 2004 - April 2005. I learned that while I love Oregon, and will always be proud to claim loyalty to my tree hugging roots (pun intended) its not home for me anymore. I was visiting, I was anxious for my house, my bed, my car and my boyfriend. For the first time in my life I was homesick for New Jersey and finally came to terms with the fact that Oregon is just not for me right now. Maybe someday, or maybe never. Only time will tell! In those 4 weeks I got to spend some great time with my mom. We took pictures, videos, laughed, cried, argued - but just soaked it all in.
Any other person would have, could have given up and..well...died. But she's so positive and optimistic about everything that I know she will make the best of everyday she has. The harsh reality of this whole situation is - she will die someday. This cancer will shorten her life, and she will be in pain more and more the worse it gets. I don't know if she will know her grandchildren. I don't know if she will be there on my wedding day and that breaks my heart, makes me sad, angry, robbed, you name it, I've felt it.
I have no idea what the future holds, but if this whole situation has taught me anything its that you can't worry about the tomorrow's of life - you only have today. Live for today. Live in the now. Be grateful and thankful for the time you do have with those you love. Don't hold back, don't procrastinate for another day because that day just may not come. In the words of Tim McGraw (see I still have some 'bumpkin left in me) "Live like you were dying".
